Agree on a general format with your fiancé. Do some research ahead of time. Google it. Understand the general idea of what you are each looking to say to each other. Some people start with ‘why I love you‘ and move into promises. Some people start with some history and then move to ‘why I love you’ and then to promises. Some people end with a quote or do the ‘why I love you’ part at the end.
Discuss how long you want your vows to take and then practice to make sure that they are actually that long. This is so important for so many reasons; first of all, weddings can be days packed full of activity and usually scheduling is a factor not just for your guests but for your vendors. There is nothing worse than warm champagne or missing a sunset shot because you didn’t consider the length of your own “speech” in the ceremony. Additionally, if one of you speaks for 15 minutes longer than the other, it is going to feel unbalanced and create awkwardness between the two of you that has no place on a wedding night.
Be intentional and specific. Anyone can sit down and write romantic platitudes that are gorgeous...and applicable to literally anybody. But you two, you have a story that is unique to the two of you and this is an entire ceremony meant to honor just that! Unless the two of you have a significant meaning attached to a compliment or romantic saying, it doesn’t hold the same weight as something specific. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be romantic or poetic, just make sure to keep it grounded in reality. When you read what you’ve written, it should read as something written for the two of you, not something you could’ve said on a first date with a tinder match. Start ahead of time. Make a note on your phone and write things down as you think of them weeks or even months before the day. Give yourself the time that this deserves.
Don’t forget that these are lifelong promises. There is a reason that the ‘original’ vows, include a sickness and health clause and end with ‘till death do us part’. When you are making vows for a future together, don’t forget to talk about the future. If you are planning to have kids consider what vows you want to make about parenthood. If you are planning to move across the world or start a new career then be sure to consider that in your vows. And take the time to think about potential futures as well - what are the promises you want to make regarding grief and love and hardship? What does ‘through thick and thin’ look like to you, and how are you promising to get through it? A good way to frame this concept is to try and imagine what challenges you might come up against in 1 year, 5 years, and 15 years and write your vows with those in mind.
Consider your placement of the important stuff. People tend to remember the last thing you said more than the first. Work your way into the stuff that matters most to you that they hear.
Get in the mood. Before you sit down to write, do something relaxing, look through old photos of the two of you together on your phone, read through old text messages. Put on some romantic music, get yourself in a frame of mind to think about love. Be intentional about how you approach thinking about your partner. It helps to start with why you love them even if that isn’t the first part of the vows template you agreed on, it sets the tone right for writing about the rest of it.
Practice out loud at least 5 times with your final draft. Remember when you were in school and the teacher would make everyone take turns reading? And the one kid would always be harder to listen to than the others, because they were just reading the words not really speaking them? That is not an effect you want on your wedding day. Practice saying your vows out loud to the person who read both of your vows, so you can practice knowing the words and feeling comfortable in them. This is also vital so you can catch any awkward phrasing or tongue stumbling sentences. Practice with the pauses, give yourself time to sit with the gravity of what you are saying. Plan to allow yourself and your partner time to soak in the magic.
Do not, do not, be that hot mess of a movie character who doesn’t have the vows saved in an alternative format, loses them the night before the wedding, and has a complete breakdown. Remember that person I keep talking to you about who you are going to have read both your vows and practice with? Text or email them your vows so that they have a copy, and you have a copy. Also they are great for keeping you accountable for doing it ahead of time because you are asking them to set aside time to help you review, and the appropriate time to do that, is not your rehearsal dinner. All that being said, when it comes to the day, write your vows down on paper; nobody wants photos of reading off of your phone.
If you are really stuck, then do some research, ask for help. Ask your parents what they remember most about their vows, or what they wish they would’ve said. If romance isn’t your forte then let yourself be inspired by poets and books and movies. Find a quote that you love and that you think your partner might love and write it down, then go from there into your own stuff. Your entire vows shouldn’t be quotes (see above, be specific) but sometimes the hardest part is just getting started. Also, if you guys are into poetry or books or a certain movie, it’s ok to include some of that. Some of the most beautiful vows I’ve seen have ended with quotes each person picked for the other that were meaningful to them.
As a final guide, go by this: what are you hoping to hear that day?
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